Tired of being strong

Sometimes always being strong and stoic takes it's toll. I sometimes want to scream and cry "why us again". "Hasn't he been through enough?" Enough already. While we know that the preemie journey can be rough sometimes, as they get older you think you are in the clear. You have that false sense of security. And then, BAM. News that can rock your world. I am always the positive one right? There are other moms and dads out there going through far worse than us. We have met these people. But at this moment in time none of that matters. All that matters is the here and now. The having my own freaking pity party to which only myself is invited because no one at this moment (Besides my husband who also ALWAYS keeps it together) really knows what is going through my head and how angry and frustrated and scared I am. I hold it together because that's what I have always done, it's the only way I know how. I cry alone because damn it, I don't want to burden anyone else with my feelings. Everyone has their own shit, they don't need mine on top of their own. I know my friends don't mind, but I mind. I have always done things on my own. Appearances can be deceiving. I can put on the big girl panties and deal with it the way I always do but deep down, I am freaking out. I don't want my baby to have to go through this. I have watched and held him after two major surgeries, one of which he was given a 50% chance of making it out, and the second was not a piece of cake either.

 Anesthesia scares me. Breaking apart his chest to get to his heart, freaks me out. Stopping his heart so that the can remove the membrane scares the crap out of me. I know that we have 6 months of thinking about this and praying that when we go back the news is good. The reality of this is that if not now, it probably is going to happen eventually. I was living in that fantasy that we would never have to do this and that is usually not my style.

So the big girl panties are back on. I am sure I will have my moments in the next 6 months where I quietly lose it, and I will hope and pray that when we go back to get the tests again that all is good. And in my mind,I will prepare for this so that I am not blindsided with something unexpected.  Thanks my friends for listening to my rant. Most will NEVER see this as this blog is not read as often as it used to be. Few will and get a glimpse of the real me, the one who is not always in control.